I joined the site Medium last year after coming across a number of articles linked to it. It’s free to use if you only read about 3 articles a month. I was finding so many that I had a back log of nearly 75 saved articles. Knowing I would never have a chance to read them all at that rate, I joined.
Feeling at a crossroads with a big-number-impending-birthday (yes, it’s that time of year again), I was looking at articles related to self-help, following your passion, goal setting, keeping momentum and focus, etc. and I read a number of articles about journaling. Growing up, I had friends who kept diaries. I was not one of them. It’s just never worked for me to remain consistent, but after seeing how people were discovering things about themselves through this process, I decided to give it a try.
A real try.
I started mid-December and wrote everyday, almost, for a month. I decided not to review anything I had written during that time, to see what would repeat. I wanted to learn if there were areas in my life that were seeking attention and needed it. Then we took a mini break to California, so nothing happened for about a week. When we returned home, I decided to look back on what I had written to look for patterns. Here’s what I discovered about myself.
- My writing is important to me and I have a lot of things I want to accomplish. When I quit my job at the end of November, a panic set in about our next steps. Were we ready to move overseas? How could we do it? Where would we live? What about our pups? What about all our stuff? I created an Etsy store after weeks of research and narrowed down our possible move, but all of it was so consuming I couldn’t write. But being away from it for a couple of months gives me anxiety as well, so it was enlightening to learn how important it is to my life.
- This lead to a new idea. I want to obtain my Master’s Degree. In my research for the move, a student visa was one easy way in. I started looking at schools with film and screenwriting programs, and I got excited at the prospect. I wasn’t a great student the first time around but I enjoy learning new things now, so I’m interested in pursuing this further.
- But one thing that did keep coming up was my lack of focus or motivation. I go on binges and then lose steam. I know this has been an issue, but finding it written down, repeatedly, made it more relevant. At this point in my life, I either need to do it or move on. This half-assing nonsense must come to an end.
- I need therapy. I had a turbulent childhood – an alcoholic abusive step-father, for one. While on our mini break, we watched old home movies and I realized that my faulty memory is most likely due to self-preservation. There are enormous chunks of my childhood and even teen years that are complete blanks. Watching myself on the videos was like watching someone else. There is nearly no connection to anything we watched. That was a startling discovery.
- I want to buy a home. The Sis and I have been renting for about 13 years now and I’m tired of it. For a couple of years now, maybe it’s because I’m in my 40s, I’ve wanted to “settle down”. I want to paint my walls and grow a garden. I want to pull up the crappy carpet and put in a farmhouse sink. I want to stop hoarding Amazon boxes like a doomsday-prepper and not feel like we’re always in limbo. It’s hard to start things if you’re always thinking about the next move. I haven’t bought things, like a dining room table because I don’t want to move it. Kitchen appliances are on hold because I don’t want to move it. A new dresser…because I don’t want to move it. This has been our life for a long time and I’m over it. Such a simple thing, and yet the tendrils associated with it are long reaching.
This is just in one month.
I’ve continued on in the same vein, I’m not reading what I’ve written this past month. With my 45th birthday just having passed, I felt like these weighty issues were becoming amplified at my own displeasure for not making more out of my life at this point. I was feeling a writer’s mid-life crisis looming, but because I’ve articulated so many things that have been bothering me through journaling, I have a better path laid out before me to make some changes.
A random discovery from such a simple act. Thank you to all those writers who shared the positive impact journaling can have on your life!
Do you journal? How has it helped you?
Even though February is a slightly shorter month, it really did seem to fly by, and it had its moments. From wanting to quit my job to celebrating my birthday, playing in the snow and buying a new computer, February was a rollercoaster of highs and lows.
Then it snowed. Like a lot. So much so that the city issued a snow day, well, technically, a black ice warning. Now, for those of you who live in places where you have actual winters, you may mock us here in the desert, but the truth is, we don’t see snow very often and we are not at all equipped to deal with it. It was awesome though.
A Writer's Discrepant Memoirs and Other Tales 